IN PLACE OF SMOKING GUNS

All of us here at Outsider headquarters feel it is necessary to come clean and make an admission that we have made a mistake. It is just one little mistake and as part of our own perfection we will with humility correct it now.

You see we thought a “smoking gun” was an actual gun that smoked (tobacco). And in this day and time when smoking is so limited we figured the odds of ever finding one was near zero. So being the intellectuals and spiritual giants that we are we had to decide what we could present to Liberty County in place of a gun smoking.

We are delighted to tell you we have discovered by using our special and unique sixth and seventh sense (by the way, Liberty County should be so eternally grateful to us for sharing our talents) that when we don’t know something we can find a possible answer on google. And just like spell check, we are on top of everything now. Our crack research team is always ahead of the curb, I mean curve.

You see we now know the term "smoking gun" is a reference to an object or fact that serves as conclusive evidence of a crime. Because that is hard work, we have come up with some real fine substitutes. Substitutes that will put the future Liberty County judges we will select and the continued flow of outside officers we are importing on the map.

As you know we will dig up old cases like the one we love to call the “Joe Warren case” and we will get out the county checkbook and run the D.A.’s office down until the grand jury shuts us down. What we really love is we will laugh our rear ends off because Joe Warren’s name will keep coming up because we call it the “Joe Warren” case. Get it.

Or one our other favorites is blackmailing, intimidating, or just plain dogging the mess out of anyone who messes with the sheriff (or us). We can have some of our people right and sign affidavits and make people wish they had never been born if they mess with us. It is rough stuff but if there continues to be people that want to claim the mantel of watchdog, we will show them who the big dogs are. We will go after their family, their job, or even their garden, but we will have our way. We are here to help Liberty County and we will stop at nothing to do it. We will get our family to harass their family and when they complain we will say they are attacking our sweet wives and kiddos.

We are also here to show Liberty County who to vote for. Naturally, they should vote for us. We are here to help and we are not tainted by any prejudice we learned by living here. Anyone that is not “us” will get the treatment. That will include doing things we don’t want to say now, to people we don’t want to name until later. But rest assured, it will all be done on behalf of the good people of Liberty County who obviously could not handle this without us.

So what that smoking guns are not what we thought they were. We have other stuff. We might even start “Letters to the Editor” so we can tell you who else is bad and who our people are so you will vote for them. Stay tuned and read them, we are looking forward to it. And as always, we are looking forward to FOUR MORE YEARS OF HENRY PATTERSON.